3.4 When I'm Sixty-Four

The Wickers have a big fight, and Mr. Wicker moves in with the Buchmans. Meanwhile Jamie finally succumbs to an eye exam, but can't decide between glasses and contacts.

Written by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tag: Paul reading made-up Dickens to Murray.
Word: Fishbroker (fishmonger!)
Expression: Ech! Ech! Ech!
Keys:
The 39" armoire, magical fire-escape, $20 vertical tip (in a sock), celery story, taping the wrong show, contacts vs. glasses on a trapezoidal face, the wink, cocoa with nutmeg in bed.

• Jamie: "Hey! Is it in?"
  Paul: "Ah, not so much. ... the trick is not to close your eye until after."
  Jamie: "I understand, but it's coming right at me..."
  Paul: "Don't look at it!"
  Jamie: "That's why I close my eye!"
  
• Mr. Wicker: "Goodbye, Buchmans!"
  Buchmans: "Goodbye, Wickers!"
  

  Supporting Cast: Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Claire Wicker . . . . . . . . . . .  Anita Gillette
  The salesgirl . . . . . . . . . . .  Kristen Cloke
  The optician  . . . . . . . . . . .  Tony Edwards

3.5 Legacy

The Buchman Sporting Goods store has its annual midnight sale and in arranging an appearance by a former Yankee player, Jamie gets her PR juices flowing. But Paul is left feeling uncomfortable, for more reasons than one.

Story by: Jeffrey Lane and Steve Paymer
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Paul being helped out by call screening.
Tag: A very tired Fran not being impressed by Sloopy Dunbar's baseball impersonations.
Expression: How?
Keys:
Jamie striking back at The Empire, Harvey Keitel's appendage, Paul's next job, Burt's TV ad, Jamie's new career, Ira's an heir, a lot about floss, 20-year old sneakers, going out with a bang, '64 Series memories.

• Paul: "If you know so much, tell me when is this guy ever going to call me back?"
  Jamie: "He will." [the phone rings, she looks at him]
  Paul: "Oh, stop it!"
  
• Burt: "You know what? I love these sneakers! I can't even tell I'm walking. I was in the stockroom, now I am here -- all I remember are shelves going by!"
  
• Sylvia: "You're retiring. Why is it so hard to say?"
  Burt: "Who says it's hard to say? I'm retiring, there! Maybe."
  Paul: "Are you serious?"
  Burt: "We think it's time, and I agree."
  
• Paul: "Yes, I'm angry at my father, but I can't talk to my father! I only know how to talk to you!"
  

  Supporting Cast: Burt and Sylvia.
  Guest Characters:
  Sloopy Dunbar . . . . . . . . . .  Charles Hallahan
  Man looking for fishing rod . . .  Michael Tomlinson
  Woman shopping for golf clubs . .  Wendy Kamenoff

3.6 Pandora's Box

Jamie works around Paul's opposition to having a TV in the bedroom and hot-wires an additional cable outlet with Fran's help. The inevitable, indeed farcical complications lead ultimately to a citywide blackout.

Written by: Victor Fresco
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Still looking for the TV remote.
Tag: Al Roker reporting a newsflash, in place of Tom Brokaw, who's stuck in an elevator.
Keys:
A '$50' tip, the Andy Griffith Show, the client -- it's just Ira, on faucets, sockets and outlets, stealing airwaves, the blue channel, comparing yellow hues, a crashed disk or maybe a coaster, a spirited defence of she who can't stop smiling.

• Paul: "Listen, you may know you better than me, and you may even know me better than me, but I know us better than you and I'm telling you -- it's a bad idea!"
  
• Jamie: "Nobody's right and nobody's wrong! ... I'm a little bit more right!"
  

  Supporting Cast: Ursula, Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Neighbor and her daughter . . . .  Liz Georges and
                                       Erin Trimble
  Actor on Soap Opera . . . . . . .  Brian Jensen
  Cable repairman . . . . . . . . .  Kevin M. Richardson
  Angry Neighbors . . . . . . . . .  Pat Crawford and
                                       Stan Sellers
  As himself  . . . . . . . . . . .  Al Roker

3.7 The Ride Home

Fran's Birthday party is the setting for Jamie's unexpected encounter with an ex-boyfriend, and the saga of who dumped whom dominates her evening. The cab-ride home provides two interlocking perspectives of the evening's events.

Written by: Liz Coe
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Silence in the cab: Paul contemplating the lost shot at an NBC mini-series.
Tag: Silence in the cab: Jamie contemplating the dinner engagement the following week.
Alternate Tag: Paul and Jamie clarifying the Zest story, to the cabbie's appreciative laughter.
Expression: How could I know?
Keys:
Flat hair and bunching waiters, the fork in time, thank-you notes and the Zest story, the versatile lemon, Paul the chiropractor and a crackling neck, Alan and his tea, Rigoletto with elephants, the other woman, all about fish, party parting signals, waffles (not a muffin) at 7AM, and one more cookie (not Tums). A Mark sighting.

• Jamie: "It was really nice to see you!"
  Alan: "You too!"
  Jamie: "And I did!"
  
• Lisa: "Scrod?"
  Paul: "Royally!"
  
• Fran: "Please don't put down my food!"
  

  Guest Characters:
  Alan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Eric Stoltz
  Carol, of NBC  . . . . . . . . . .  Wendie Malick
  Tracy, the model . . . . . . . . .  Senait
  Doris and her husband (Bob)  . . .  Judith Hoag and
                                        Vince Grant
  Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Joe Flood
  "But this is Pennsylvania!" Man  .  Tyrees Allen

3.8 Giblets For Murray

Jamie's perfect Thanksgiving feast involves a buffet for ten, and five turkeys, thanks to Murray and the ever-friendly Kim.

Story by: Jeffrey Klarik and Billy Grundfest
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Waking up to a turkey break at 5:25 AM.
Tag: Aunt Lolly talking to her friend about the Stemples and Buchmans, and trying to figure out whose aunt she is.
Expression: It's a fact!
Keys:
The first Buchman Thanksgiving, peeling potatoes and making ice, rationed marsh-mallows and extra water-chestnuts, sharing smoke with the city and alphabetic thanksgiving (A to V), clanging pipes and redoing the bedroom, the missile of Turkey, Sylvia's mother-in-law, Sylvia the mother-in-law.

• Fran: "I've been here MINUTES!"
  Paul: "Listen! I've been with 'em years; trust me, it gets worse!"
  
• Lisa: "I'm thankful I've therapy tomorrow."
  
• Paul: "We're adults!"
  Jamie: "I-KNOW!"
  

Kim's triples:

Doilies, acorn squash, and dental floss.
Water, cold, and time.
Votive candles, Lemon Pledge, and chocolate macaroons.
Tweezers, pretzel nuggets, and a nice block of halvah.
Smoked, not smoked, stuffed, not stuffed, garnished, not garnished.
Butterball, not Butterball, organic, not organic, free range, range restricted.
On the house!

Paul's triple:

No clam-dip, no light-bulbs, no margarine.

  Supporting Cast: Burt, Sylvia, Gus, Theresa, Aunt Lolly and Kim.
  Guest Character:
  Neighbor in 12-D . . . . . . . . .  Herself

3.9 Once More, With Feeling

As the Buchmans' sex-life waxes and wanes, Lisa snags a pair of free dinners, Fran loses a window office and Ira acquires a silent partner.

Story by: Victor Levin and Dan Greenberg
Teleplay by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Two ways of getting a bagel.
Tag: Two losers settling accounts with Lisa.
Expression: It happens!
Keys:
Meatloaf and sex, Aruba escapades, Buchman bucks, taking back a conversation, hanging up on Fran, a six-week diet, attractive vs. sexy, the closet of last resort (not the kitchen table).

• Paul: "Let's just go back to basics."
  Jamie: "Arousal!"
  Paul: "Arousal! ... ... arouse me!"
  

  Supporting Cast: Ursula and Sid.
  Guest Characters:
  Manny Gantz (Ganz) . . . . . . . .  Jack Shearer

3.10 The City

A bad day in the Big Apple leaves Jamie unwilling to go out to see a feel-good movie, but Paul talks her into an evening out, if only to meet Ira's new girlfriend.

Written by: Paul Reiser
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: A typical dinner invitation from Sylvia.
Tag: On cabbies and clean streets from Hizzoner.
Words: Pedagogue, obstructed.
Keys:
Paul's grant, Jamie's gripes, the mother of all dictionaries, leftside/rightside, muffin and Sprite, buying/selling tickets, a punch in the nose, veal on the sidewalk, a private screening, Riff's without Ursula.

• Projectionist: "Nice night!"
  Paul: "Maybe for you, not so much for us."
  Jamie: "All...right, take it easy, honey! We're out of muffins."
  

  Guest Characters:
  Velma  . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Marita Geraghty
  Cabbie #1  . . . . . . . . . . . .  Iqbal Theba
  Cab-crasher  . . . . . . . . . . .  Allan Wasserman
  Man in the line  . . . . . . . . .  Kelly Perine
  Elderly patron . . . . . . . . . .  Bibi Osterwald
  Woman in theatre . . . . . . . . .  June Gable
  Man in wheel-chair . . . . . . . .  Richard Robert Redlin
  The Projectionist  . . . . . . . .  George D. Wallace
  As himself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Rudolph Guiliani

3.11 Our Fifteen Minutes

Paul is one of six documentary filmmakers selected by PBS to turn the camera on themselves for 15 minutes, and in his case, it turns into... well, see for yourself!

Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tag: Getting back to being themselves on camera.
Keys:
Yelling Chicken a-la-King and fetching with Murray, stealing Paperwhites and reading Scientific American (at arm's length), tearing an insert, hiring a wife, a Mowa and coffee filters, bikes 'n' things and the ants of New York, a cig, a tattoo and the dark side, Lisa's tour de force, cutting cake to go with ... Ira Gershwin or Courtney Love, Uma or Eunice or Karen, honesty (no matter what).

• Jamie: "I don't need the whole world knowing we're slobs."
  Paul: "But we ARE slobs!"
  Jamie: "No, you're a slob. I'm just tired."
  Paul: "Yes, but it's real!"
  Jamie: "All right, fine! You know... it's not like your mother is going to watch this, see the socks on the bed, and be here everyday straightening up."
  
• Jamie: "Why did you yell Chicken a la King at my sister?"
  Paul: "I didn't know it was her!"
  Jamie: "Why would you yell Chicken a la King at anyone?"
  Paul: "... I was talking with my foot!"
  

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie Conway.

3.12 How To Fall In Love

Paul's ideas on how to meet and engage the opposite sex are tested by Jamie in a hypothetical encounter, while Ira has a very real encounter with Jamie's friend.

Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul dreaming about Mr. Mooney.
Tag: The Buchmans reviewing "How to Date Girls."
Words: Whom (repeatedly), putz.
Keys:
Having 29 teeth, Chicken a la Poem, mimicking Paul, the name is Brenda, helping the fate-impaired, Find 'em, Meet 'em, Make 'em yours, chewing a straw, drinks on a dime, $1 watcher's tip, the Jodie Foster- Daniel Day Lewis look, psychic talk (and listen), crazy Pete on the corner, the looong elevator ride, but mostly about the egg-salad.

• Jamie: "Okay... right there... she's perfect for you."
  Paul: "... No sense of irony."
  
• Jamie: "What's she like?"
  Paul: "My wife? ... Kinda like you actually, your height, yer'hair, your eyes too..."
  Jamie: "Sounds perfect."
  Paul: "Actually, NO! No, not so much perfect... She never puts the ATM stuff into the check-book, so we're always like $60 off..."
  Jamie: "Okay, I'm sorry..."
  Paul: "DON'T DEFEND HER! ... She sneaks cigarettes behind my back, like I don't have a nose, and she doesn't tell me the Film Lab called last night, so I've got to go down in the middle of my lunch hour... then she... I could go on and on..."
  Jamie: "Why don't you SAY something?"
  Paul: "Why make trouble?"
  
• Paul: "Did you know I was born without a head?"
  

  Supporting Cast:  Ursula and Maggie.
  Guest Characters:
  Susannah Gould . . . . . . . . . .  Anne Bobby
  Mick, at the bar . . . . . . . . .  Eric Lutes

3.13 Mad About You

The saga of the 3 months leading up to Paul and Jamie's wedding, what with the invitations, the reception menu, the dress fittings, the band selection, and the remarkable goings-on of the night before the wedding.

Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Cleaning out the freezer section.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Words: Willy-nilly, putz.
Expressions: What does this say?
Keys:
The 'Saved By The Bell' fix, sorbet in the ear, a guest-list under 80, or 12-60-1100, the big typo or an omen, squabble over squab, gravy boats, Pie or Pi, El Grandes or Executivos, a Tuxedo over the phone, smoking and binging, on being fat, the Upstate gig, Color My World, The Alley Cats, or The Hokey Pokey, the first dance, frozen tulips, zits and toothpaste, seating arrangements, dress-code for the strip-club, hanging out with the broads, Inca gifts (ear-rings, necklace or cloth) or Jamie's gift (lights, camera, Buchmans), Debbie's dilemma, Aunt Selma's call, some Con Ed humor at 15th Street at Bagel Nosh, two #6 washers and a jackhammer band.
The Wedding song: "What the World needs now is love, sweet love" (Dionne Warwick).

• Jamie: "How are you holding up?"
  Paul: "Well, if I had 2 tongues I'd be the happiest person in the world."
  Jamie: "Second happiest."
  
• Paul: "It's got a pigeonesque quality..."
  Sylvia: "What's the difference between this and a pigeon?"
  Burt: "Pigeon is on a ledge, this is on a plate..."
  
• Jamie: "Well! Everything's ruined. I need pie."
  Paul: "Three point one four."
  
• Lisa: "I'm going to be your sister-in-law!"
  Paul: "Yah... You, Miss Stemple, do you realize that tomorrow, this time, you'll be, Mrs. Buchman." [they start to kiss]
  Lisa: "Just like his mother." [they can't, and stop]
  
• Jamie: "This is so stupid. What are we doing?"
  Paul: "This is so not-what-I-wanted-it-to-be."
  Jamie: "I was lying there, trying to picture tomorrow, I could see the food, I could see the flowers, I could see our parents. The only thing I couldn't see was us!"
  Paul: "Why is there toothpaste on your head?"
  
• Paul: "Ira told me you marry people."
  Lenny: "People marry each other, I just okay it for the State."
  
• Paul: "All I know is that I want to wake up with you naked for the rest of my life."
  Jamie: "You are a strange... amazing man."
  Paul: "Can I tell you... that the part of my brain that came up with this was not alive before I met you."
  

Advice to Newlyweds:

• Theresa: "Everybody and their mother will be coming up to you and wanting to give you advice. Pay no attention."
• The Mailman: "Wear comfortable shoes."
• Debbie: "Pick up the (half-pound of smoked) turkey."
• Fran: "Men say a lot of things... only listen to a third of it."
• Mark: "Women need constant attention. Just talk to her; it doesn't matter what you say... Two-thirds of what I say to Fran, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about."
• Aunt Lolly: "Never get a dog."

  Supporting Cast:  Mark Devanow, Sylvia and Burt, Debbie,
                    Theresa and Gus, Aunt Lolly and Remy.
  Guest Characters:
  Lenny, the renaissance man . . . .  Lyle Lovett
  Hillary, the caterer . . . . . . .  Jane Carr
  Saul, the dressmaker . . . . . . .  Ralph Lanza
  Antonio, the tailor  . . . . . . .  Vito Scotti
  Vicky, the dancer  . . . . . . . .  Kristen Holmquist
  The Postal worker  . . . . . . . .  Patrick Cronin

3.14 Just My Dog

The tale of Murray's show-biz career, spawned by a walk-on appearance in a commercial directed by Paul, advanced by an eager agent, leading all the way to an audition for a series.

Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul trying on Jamie's beret. ("Wrong!")
Tag: Paul dreaming the dream, and enjoying it.
Word: Ruminating.
Keys:
Looking for the loop, Yum Yum gum, why one hates being single (or not), keeping warm in suede, humming, having an agent with 3 words, firing an assistant, seeing in black and white, but dreaming in color, doing one's own barking, then a rock video, then playing cujo, shaking tails, lack of synchrony at the sink.

• Jamie: "He's bored."
  Paul: "... He's Murray!"
  Jamie: "I would think you'd want a little more for him than that."
  Paul: "Okay, just tell me now, how long until you drop it?"
  Jamie: "3 to 5 days."
  Paul: "I'll call Bob!"
  

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie and Remy.
  Guest Characters:
  Bob, the agent . . . . . . . . . .  Brent Spiner
  The Ad Exec  . . . . . . . . . . .  Tom Gallop
  The Director . . . . . . . . . . .  Richard Frank
  As himself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Jay Leno
  As herself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Rachel Hunter

3.15 The Alan Brady Show

Paul finds it very difficult to deal with the considerable ego of a legendary TV star, until help arrives in the form of a tip from a surprising quarter.

Written by: Kenny Schwartz
Directed by: Gordon Hunt
Tease: Competing at really-love-you's.
Tag: Choreographing a funny entrace a la The Dick Van Dyke Show, but not quite.
Expression: "Oh, Paul!"
Keys:
Charades, Bridge Over Troubled Water, pineapples, mom and daughters - back and forth, the big surprise, Aunt Lolly too, the Catskill escapades, the truth about Uncle Miltie, Sid's disguise, business first, dinner later, the switch to Sid the pantomime narrator.

• Jamie: "So what's he like?"
  Paul: "He's like him, but in color."
  
• Paul: "You're going to wear that?"
  Jamie: "Paul!"
  Paul: "What? [as Jamie mimes] ... Two words... First word... sounds like... duck! Second word... [Jamie flicks the switch] off!"
  
• Lolly: "Oh that Alan, was he cute! And young - I liked 'em young."
  Paul: "WOW!"
  Lolly: "Wow nothing. He was just like his act. Six minutes of great material, with no finish." [long pause]
  Shea: "That's just a bit more than I needed to know..."
  

  Supporting Cast:  Theresa Cooper Stemple, Aunt Lolly and Sid.
  Guest Characters:
  Alan Brady . . . . . . . . . . . .  Carl Reiner
  Mrs. Brady (in segment)  . . . . .  Alix Elias
  Maurice, the maitre d' . . . . . .  William Utay

3.16 Mad Without You

Jamie goes up to Connecticut to keep her dad company, and the home-alone-Paul gets quite giddy being Lord of the Manor.

Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tag: Mass escape in the dead of night.
Keys:
Missing a basket, French's vs. Poupon, harmonizing with the fridge (humming?), calling the guys (Zucker?), Ira's date, Fran's shower, Lisa's lunch, pet ferret, pickup, delivery and another pickup, Brits at the Opera, warm, hot and cold (malaria?), the major collapse.

• Paul: "Milk! Perfect example of things that are mine! [drinks from the carton] See that? Virtually empty, yet I put it right back."
  
• Jamie: "You want me to come home?"
  Paul: "No, no, no! Hey, everything's under control."
  Jamie: "I'll talk to you in 5 minutes."
  
• Lisa: "I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd bring you some lunch."
  Paul: "Did Jamie say to do that?"
  Lisa: "No."
  Paul: "She tell you to say no?"
  Lisa: "Yes."
  
• Lisa: "Great! I've got 14 things and 3 holes. What do I do?" Ira: "Join the circus."
  

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Sister Dorothea  . . . . . . . . .  Debra Mooney
  Drycleaning pickup man . . . . . .  Carlos Ferro
  Meat of the Month Club man . . . .  Bill Ingram
  Sisters of Charity Mover . . . . .  Andrew Craig
  Man bidding on the bed . . . . . .  Tony Edwards

The Production Team

  Created by:            Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
  Executive Producers:   Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane
  Producers:             Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
  Coordinating Producer: Marjorie Weitzman
  Associate Producer,
    then Co-Producer:    Craig Knizek
  Art Direction:         Bernard Vyzga
  Photography:           Mikel Neiers
  Editing:               Sheila Amos
  Sound Mixing:          Peter Damski

  Writers:   Jack Burditt, Liz Coe, Eileen Conn, Victor Fresco,
             Andrew Gordon, Dan Greenberg, Billy Grundfest,
             Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Klarik, Jeffrey Lane,
             Victor Levin, Kenny Schwartz and Paul Reiser.

  Directors: Gordon Hunt, Michael Lembeck, Thomas Schlamme
             and David Steinberg.

Please send in corrections to: [rama@cac.stratus.com]