Episode Guide for Season #1 of "Mad About You"
for the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.mad-about-you
Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season1
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 95-02-25
Version: 3.6
This Episode Guide for the TV Comedy show "Mad About You" is,
as a collection of information,
Copyright (c) 1994, 1995 by Ramaswamy [rama@cac.stratus.com],
Douglas B. Robertson [dbrobert@acs.ucalgary.ca],
Waltz Ng [ng@qucdnee.ee.queensu.ca] and
Eugene Wang [eggbert@cs.bu.edu].
All Rights Reserved.
Distribution through any means other than normal Usenet
channels must be by permission. No fee may be charged for
distribution. This material is for non-commercial use only.
The removal of this copyright notice is prohibited.
Paul Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Reiser
Jamie Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . Helen Hunt
Lisa Stemple . . . . . . . . . . . . Anne Ramsay
Jay Selby . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tommy Hinkley
Fran Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Leila Kenzle
Mark David Devanow . . . . . . . . . Richard Kind
Ira Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . John Pankow
Murray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Smiley, Maui
Burt Buchman, Paul's father . . . . Louis Zorich
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . . Paul Dooley
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . . Nancy Dussault
Ryan, Fran and Mark's son . . . . . Spencer Klein
Ike, Paul's editor . . . . . . . . . Art Evans
Stacey, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Kerri Green
Connie, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Meagen Fay
Warren, Paul's editor/cameraman . . Steven Wright
Maggie Conway, neighbour in 11-C . . Judy Geeson
Hal Conway, Maggie's husband . . . . Paxton Whitehead
Eddie, the doorman . . . . . . . . . Lou Cutell
The First Season
Paul and Jamie Buchman are Manhattan newlyweds adjusting
to life together. In the series opener, their scheduled
evening alone suddenly goes awry as each assumes the other
had called to cancel their previously scheduled evening
with friends.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie snoring.
Expression: Hello?
Keys:
5 months after the wedding, William Devane or Willem
DaFoe, soup or bisque, forgetting ice in the cab, the
Abbott and Costello of liars, the kitchen table.
Murray's debut (Smiley).
- Paul: "What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have?"
- Jamie: "Will you run the shower and make the coffee? ...
I think I'm pregnant. [Paul sits up]
Just kidding... make the coffee."
- Fran: "Can I help?"
- Paul: "Look, there's always going to be stuff... I put up
with your crap and you put up with my crap."
Jamie: "That's marriage?"
Paul: "This is what I'm thinking!"
For Paul, a couch by any other name is not a couch,
especially if it's a sofa, or worse, a love-seat.
Jamie is determined that their first major purchase
will be by "us," rather than "you" or "me." Dragged
to the department store, Paul manages to hyperventilate.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie switching sides in bed.
Word: Slacks.
Keys:
Measuring tapes and guns, week 3 of the big quest,
big cookies and toasted sandwiches, like ambrosia
(but with cheese), musk in the eye, about saying no,
tea-dipped Irish Linen, gal talk and guy talk, sporting
Cretan briefs or cavorting in stirrups, dressing like a
manic-depressive Psych Professor.
Murray's second debut (Maui).
- Paul: "Come here sweatheart, let me explain something. And
you should really jot this down because this is very
important -- EVERYTHING in the world takes 4 hours..."
- Jamie: "THIS will look good on you."
Fran: "Yah, it'll fit great if I can take my ass off."
- Paul: "You know Mark, this is time you never get back.
I mean there are only X number of Saturdays left and
I'm spending this one, sitting on a love-seat holding
a pocketbook."
Mark: "Got an emory board in there?"
Paul: "I'd like to punch you in the head."
Mark: "I've got this piece of nail..."
Paul: "Bite it off! Be a MAN!"
Guest Characters:
Barry's mother . . . . . . . . . . Estelle Harris
Philip, the salesman . . . . . . . Richard Roat
Saleslady . . . . . . . . . . . . Jodi Carlisle
Sunday, quiet Sunday, with nothing to do except decide
what to do, and do so quickly: see a movie, a parade or
get to the museum. And before others' Sundays intrude.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: From the Sunday paper: Helen Hayes broke her foot.
Word: Wilding.
Keys:
A dream about potato chips and the Weather Channel,
unreliable hands, cassoulet and cumin, gelling or clotting,
Will Rogers' Follies, Ira's band, Fung Wei or Fung you,
the Belgian film festival, Amish quilts, 86 minutes in all,
the Gay Pride parade, the Chelsea 10K race (where Selby
pulls a Rosie Ruiz).
- Lisa: "Who is this guy Kelly and why does he need all
these girls?"
- Jamie: "I used to be out there all the time. I frizzed my
hair, I wore hats, I slept with artists ... once...
commercial. .. still!"
Paul: "... What kind of hats?"
Jamie: "All kinds, big funky hats, little funky hats,
I wore hats!"
Paul: "I've NEVER seen you in a hat."
Jamie: "Ya, I guess those days are gone!"
- Jamie: "Sorry about dinner."
Paul: "It was an effort."
Jamie: "Thank you..."
Paul: "I mean, to eat it, was an effort."
News of his ex-girlfriend fills Paul with excitement,
followed by guilt over the excitement, followed by
blithering idiocy after inviting Jamie to meet her.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Rushing out of the apartment in the morning.
Keys:
Don Ho, Scorsese and Hitch (who used to be thin),
scurrying squirrels and stalking rats, smelling hair
that flows, wearing cologne, getting one's bearings,
the poor girl's french fries, omelettes and souvlaki.
Riff's makes its debut.
- Selby: "Stace!"
Stacey: "Selb!"
- Jamie: "So who was she?"
Paul: "You've got to know every little thing? If I tell
you everything now, then we can have nothing left
to talk about when we're old."
- Jamie: "You're so blind! She was threatened. C'mon, she
has this thing with you in College, she comes to
meet you for a drink and you bring along your
beautiful wife. What do you think?"
Paul: "I like it how you can soothe me and get in a
plug for yourself."
Supporting Cast: Ike, Stacey
Guest Characters:
Lynne Stoddard . . . . . . . . . . Lisa Edelstein
Audrey (slaps Selby) . . . . . . . Sarah Partridge
Waiter at Riff's . . . . . . . . . Jack Kenny
An unexpectedly long visit by Jamie's parents turns her
into a "raving lunatic," and she bribes her sister to
share the experience. And Lisa delivers.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Ordering New York style pizza.
Keys:
Peanut and Sweet Pea, finding a great parking spot,
about returning the gravy boat, pate and cheese, water
with a splash of J&B (and a curled lemon-twist), using
a butter-knife, on using a lathe, the 10-minute clog,
Canada's best: bacon, hockey and pipes, Lisa and
Jamie perform the sisters' duet.
Couch/love-seat
(not bought in episode 1.2) shows up.
- Jamie: "Why aren't you wearing the yellow shirt my mom gave you?"
Paul: "Because I like this shirt, and I'm saving the yellow
shirt for when I'm lost at sea."
- Gus: "She's so skinny. You don't have that bulimia thing
again, do you?"
Lisa: "NO! And if I did, which I don't, I wouldn't tell you
because I wouldn't realize it, that's the way it works."
- Jamie: "I'm 30 years old, I'm married, I've a home.
How come my parents can still push all my buttons?"
Paul: "That's easy, they installed 'em."
Supporting Cast: Gus and Theresa Stemple.
Paul's baseball film is rejected by PBS the same day
Jamie snags a major advertising account, turning Jamie's
bash into a defeat party.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Excerpts from Paul's documentary about
the peanut vendor at Yankee Stadium.
Keys:
The House that Ruth (Gordon) built, the rumor that
George Steinbrenner is nice, the Muffin Man song,
Rick the assistant-in-law, the Computron account,
flowers and champagne one way, Maalox and Tylenol
the other way, with Haagen-Daz to go either way,
making crushed ice from scratch, Pretentious Boring
Snobs (PBS) -- "Let 'em keep their lousy tote bag!"
- Mark: "She's a moghul! .. This is so fantastic, I mean the
thing is, that Fran spent 3 years trying to land that
account, 3 years and NOTHING! And then BOOM! Jamie
walks in and BINGO! And the ironic thing is, Jamie
used to be Fran's assistant and..."
Fran: "Schnookie! Get me a drink!"
Mark: [deflated] "What do you feel like?"
Fran: "Anything... just GO!"
- Selby: "There's a gynecologist limboing in your livingroom."
Jamie: "We're celebrating. I got the big account I was
working on."
Selby: "COMPUTRON? [Jamie gives Paul a look] All right! ...
[to Paul] How come you didn't tell me about this?
[to Jamie] How big a bonus are we talking about here?"
- Selby: "We should really go out and celebrate tomorrow."
Lisa: "How about lunch?"
Jamie: "The Russian Tea Room?"
Selby: "I don't want to have tea for lunch."
Lisa: "They have food, Selby, it's a big fancy restaurant."
Selby: "Gotta wear a tie?"
Jamie: "They'll give you one."
Selby: "Cool!"
- Jamie: "When I was single, I got to be happy whenever I was
happy. I guess now I get to be happy only during
that subset of times when you're happy too."
- Vacky: [in the film] "Lou Gehrig's wife came to every game.
He was the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
Paul: "Nah... second luckiest."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow, Ike and Stacey
Guest Character:
Vacky, the vendor . . . . . . . . . Phil Leeds
Paul is suddenly reluctant to use the subway since a former
fellow film school student makes token change at his subway
station, instead of films, and may blame Paul for it.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Paul stacking, arranging, aligning change.
Word: Thwarting.
Keys:
VIP seats with back-tent passes, the clown cavalcade
or geek parade, goat or unicorn, Mark and Murray,
Hunter's Point and South Bronx, track fire, honest
announcements, Raul the supervisor, "Tunnel of Hate,"
English subtitles for the Japanese and Japanese ones
for the English spoken by visiting Japanese businessmen
("We own the show!")
The Buchmans' Wedding song identified as: "Color My World"
- Paul: "These babies are center ring, front row! Y'know, that
doubles your chances of being picked for the train."
Jamie: "We talked about this last time... if you're taller
than the dwarfs, they probably won't pick you."
- Jamie: "Stop acting like a child! Do you want to miss
the circus?" ...
Paul: "Is this a huge thing I'm asking you to do?
Love, honor and buy the tokens?"
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Howie Balenger . . . . . . . . . . Steve Buscemi
First Male Passenger . . . . . . . Michael Goldfinger
Woman asking directions . . . . . Elizabeth Norment
A Husband . . . . . . . . . . . . Steven M. Porter
Japanese businessmen . . . . . . . Yoshio Be, Toshi Toda
Planning a Will naturally brings up the subject of Paul's
old bachelor pad, which he is now subletting, but Jamie
would prefer he surrendered the lease to the subletee,
an odd guy named Kramer.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Paul being run over by a bicycle messenger.
Keys:
Pulling the plug, on being cremated or burial at sea,
Power of attorney, the couch for Lisa, dispute over the
stereo, the Florsheim shoebox, the tossed-out jersey,
Bugs kisses interrupted, memories of a microwave clambake,
handing over the lease, cryonics - the big chill.
- Paul: "I don't need an out, I don't want an out, I want in!"
Jamie: "Not tonight!"
- Jamie: "I told you, I'm being cremated. I can't believe you
don't want to come with me."
Paul: "Hey, don't take it personally. I told you I don't want
to die, period!"
Jamie: "So we're breaking up?"
Paul: "I guess so... You're off to the furnace, I'm off to the
freezer."
Guest Characters:
Uncle Jules . . . . . . . . . . . . Al Ruscio
Kramer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Richards
On the trip to Connecticut to spend Thanksgiving with
Jamie's parents, Paul and Jamie are fine, Mark and Fran
start fighting, while Selby and Lisa are just friends.
But on the return journey, everything is the opposite.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Jamie's Cello recital (76 Trombone).
Keys:
The night before Thanksgiving, not riding backwards,
but entirely without Ruth, Mark's sister, Lisa's new
boyfriend (for $50), the Veal Chop story (third date),
Hiawatha's poem, the wishbone, non-invitation to golf,
FedEx'ed turkey and jello, story of the first Thanksgiving.
- Paul: "What was that?"
Jamie: "Nothing. Just told her we needed some private time
since we were going up for your mother's funeral.
Always works."
Paul: "Why is it my mother?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I wanted the leg-room, I had to kill
somebody, she came to mind."
- Conductor: "Have a Hap-py Holi-day!"
Paul: "Easy for you to say."
Conductor: "It's my jo-b..."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Conductor . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Eugene Fairman
Woman passenger . . . . . . . . . Carol Ann Sasi
The Buchmans get off on the wrong foot with their new
neighbours, and each subsequent step to improve their
relations only makes things worse.
Written by: Paul Reiser and Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Dennis Erdman
Tag: Jamie conducting an imaginary conversation
to impress the Conways.
Keys:
Industrial-strength facial, back-tie benefit at the
Aquarium, Lefty the lobster, not dressed for fish,
pineapple topping, pizza pie mixup, teaching diplomacy
in New York, being knocked-out cold, the chapeau of
knickers, 5 excellent cheeses, Opera at the Met,
Murray and Sophie.
Maggie Conway makes her debut.
- Maggie: "We hear you through the walls sometimes."
Jamie: "Oh-my-God!"
Hal: "That's her!"
- Jamie: "How can somebody not like me?"
Paul: "Hey... you're asking the wrong guy."
Jamie: "Play with me..."
Paul: [loudly] "We can't, honey! We have Bastille Day
with Jerry Lewis!"
Guest Characters:
Hal Conway . . . . . . . . . . . . Paxton Whitehead
Maggie Conway . . . . . . . . . . Judy Geeson
The story of "When Jamie met Paul," that begins with a chance
encounter, followed by Paul's hard work to find her and some
fast talking to turn their next meeting into a dinner date.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Sunday paper hijacking at West 81st news-stand.
Tag: The Rose Bowl Story, continued.
Keys:
Parents' obituaries, the drycleaning slip, Paul's
10-second date, then the 33-floor search, and on to
the Christmas party at Farrer, Gantz (ostensibly on
Monday, December 23, 1989, but the writers appear to
have consulted the 1991 calendar).
- Jamie: "What did you come here for then?"
Paul: "'Cause I figured you needed your clothes for
the holidays."
Jamie: "That was very considerate."
Paul: "Well, y'know, born and raised in New York!"
- Jamie: "Well, what would you do if you were working and
some woman who walked in with your drycleaning?"
Paul: "I'd say... Ma! Go away."
- Manny: "Jamie! Have you heard my Rose Bowl story?"
Jamie: "Yes, I have! I told it to my family!"
Guest Characters:
Karen (Paul's date) . . . . . . . . Lisa Kudrow
Dana (Selby's date) . . . . . . . . Kathryn Spitz
Lester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Arnott
Manny Gantz . . . . . . . . . . . . Wayne Tippitt
The Buchmans find their new once-a-week maid a big help,
but she's heart-broken upon learning that her affection
for Mr. Paul isn't reciprocated.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Looking for the TV remote control.
Tag: Murray gathering his socks.
Keys:
The vicious cleaning cycle, looking like Wayne
Rogers, looking for a grey sock, tasting fresh boar,
being a gunner in the Soviet Navy, Paul's portrait
and his spot, the Fish-sticks dynasty, fixing the
left shoe, the throaty little catch.
Last show featuring Selby (Tommy Hinkley).
- Paul: "You're unbelievable!"
Jamie: "Just one day a week." [sits down on his lap]
Paul: "Then what was the point of discussing this?"
Jamie: "You're right. That was wrong of me."
[kisses him, then leaves, a long pause]
Paul: "What just happened to me here?"
- Fran: "What are you doing?"
Paul: "Standing... in my apartment... in my spot."
Fran: "You have a spot?"
Jamie: "He loves that spot."
Paul: "Doesn't Mark have a spot?"
Fran: "Not that I know of."
Guest Character:
Masha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beata Pozniak
Producer Jamie gets to handpick the director for a new
New York tourism campaign, and picks Paul. How much
togetherness is too much? Jamie soon finds out.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Playing Monopoly, Jamie's that is.
Ad lib by Paul at the end.
Keys:
I still Love NY campaign: excitement, energy, sizzle
Codewords: logarithm, spittoon, Estes Kefauver and
paramecium,
being called sweetie in front of teamsters,
dragon lady, running out of conversation, talking to
the Time-Life operator, "Gunslingers of The Old West."
- Paul: "We're really going to do this?"
Jamie: "Yup, it's a done deal, as long as you don't screw up
the interview!"
- Jamie: "I missed you this week."
Paul: "We were together every minute."
Jamie: "I know, I didn't have time to think about you...
to miss you... I missed missing you!"
Guest Characters:
Al, the client . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Hardin
The Big Apple . . . . . . . . . . Bill Dunlevy
The Cat . . . . . . . . . . . . . Albert Owens
Stage manager . . . . . . . . . . Ric Edinger
An escape to the countryside doesn't instantly cure Jamie's
blues, but once it does, she's all for staying permanently.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBendictis
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Oneupsmanship in story-telling.
Tag: Chinese takeout delivery, NYC to Pine Jct, VT.
Keys:
Quiet pants and satin robe, luxury of an ironing
board, Barnaby Jones on all channels, lighting a
real log-fire (a teepee of twigs inside a log-cabin
of wood), getting red-wine out of silk, shed things
and compost, the Polar Bear Club, Jamie's friend:
Bruce Roberts, Chairman. ("Oh, you scare me!")
- Paul: "And listen, when you play with his ears, scratch,
but don't tug!"
Lisa: "He complained last time?"
Paul: "He mentioned it."
- Jamie: "This apple-butter is so fresh, do you make it here?"
Ned: "Actually, it is bottled in Brooklyn. A little
taste of home, right here in the country?"
- Paul: "To a woman.. freezing water on a woman's body is
invigorating. To a man, not such a thrill...
bad things happen."
Jamie: "Oh, c'mon honey, they'll come back."
Guest Characters:
Ned, the manager . . . . . . . . . Murphy Dunne
Polar Bear club member . . . . . . Parley Baer
After unwittingly revealing a secret about a bride to
her father, Paul badgers Jamie into telling him one of
hers, and soon he's sorry he did.
Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Selecting ear-rings.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Word: Ubiquitous.
Keys:
Nut pick vs. Pasta maker, being early and not eating
before, not being a bridesmaid, just-invented finger
food, the optional Tuxedo, being mistaken for a waiter,
spilling the beans, finding out a bridesmaid's name,
the unknown couple, Stan Franklin in London.
Ira makes his debut.
- Jamie: "Come here, look at you! [ties his tie] What? ...
What are you staring at?"
Paul: "I'm admiring a beautiful girl who married me
for some reason."
Jamie: "... All right! Give 'em the nut-pick!"
- Paul: "So why didn't you tell me 2 years ago?"
Jamie: "If I did, would we be sitting here now?"
Paul: "Yes!"
Jamie: "I'm not so sure."
Paul: "So now we'll never know."
- Paul: "So you're saying it was the toaster?"
Guest Characters:
Miss Grundy, the caterer . . . . . Susan Blommaert
The waiter . . . . . . . . . . . . William Newman
Friendly couple . . . . . . . . . Neil Vipone and
Annie Abbott
Woman looking for her hat . . . . Laura Waterbury
What does a couple do when trapped in their bathroom on
Valentine's Day? Paul and Jamie know -- now. Included:
painting toe-nails, mutual facials, and antacids as food.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Getting ready to go to Fran and Mark's party.
Tag: Murray the dog, not the accountant, summoning
help at Fran and Mark's.
Word: Concussed.
Keys:
Murray and the bowl, Q-Tips and tweezers, good clothes
building up speed to attack the door, Mrs. McGyver,
origin of Valentine's Day (and the candy hearts),
forgetting the card, tossing out wrapped soap,
Victoria's bug Secret, instructions to Murray,
dependable Lisa, Ryan the cupid, dunking swabs,
Aloe, lemon, avocado, and then Tums.
- Paul: "It's a made-up holiday. No one even knows who this
St. Valentine guy is!"
Jamie: "He was a roman priest who defended the Christians,
and was beheaded by Claudius the Second on
February 14th, 269 AD."
- Paul: "What do you want to do?"
Jamie: "Anything that takes more than 5 minutes."
Paul: "Okay, so the Earth didn't move."
Jamie: "The bathmat didn't even move."
- Paul: "That's why guys get married, so they can stop wooing.
It's exhausting to woo, you woo, you woo, and you woo,
and then you've got to go: Wo!"
- Paul: "C'mon, you know I love you, right?"
Jamie: "Yes, I know, but once in a while it would be nice
to have a grand romantic gesture..."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Sam (looking for Stephanie) . . . Patrick Warburton
Andrew (Lisa's Valentine) . . . . Gregory Paul Martin
A billionaire who wants Paul to make a film about him
is a bit too talkative and friendly, while Paul's new
editor-cameraman is the opposite.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Tap-dancing at 7:30 in the morning.
Tag: Laborious mangling of Warren's name.
Keys:
JL does his thing, getting bagels for the Buchmans,
quelling the jackhammers, Connie doing a soup survey,
a da Vinci from the Pope, Baked Alaska in Alaska, an
autographed Bible, Luciano's aria, 40 reels of nothing,
a tense massuese.
Warren makes his debut.
- Paul: "Wow, I see you've worked with CNN. Was it fun?"
Warren: "Look, I didn't come here to be interrogated."
Paul: "Fair enough. You've some fairly impressive
credits here - is it all true?"
Warren: "A lot of it is true."
- Paul: "Y'know, if you let me use the dishwasher, we won't
be having this discussion."
Jamie: "C'mon, for two plates..."
Paul: "It's always going to be 2 plates."
Jamie: "Unless we have kids or a party."
Paul: "You really think it is right to bring a child into
this world to use an appliance?"
- Paul: "I can't believe this! The man's bought me
Ringo's drums!"
Warren: "Now they'll never get back together again!"
Supporting Cast: Connie and Eddie.
Guest Characters:
Freddy Statler . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Lewis
Belden, his assistant . . . . . . Bill Fox
Eddie Mermelman, aka Warren . . . Steven Wright
Massuese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Pieroni
Paul's father has his 15 minutes of fame after an incident
with Regis Philbin that embarasses Paul, but not as much as
being seen as the over-reactive son by all of New York.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Paul talking to his (still unseen) mother.
Tag: Excerpt from the sound-track of "Moby".
Word: Rend.
Keys:
1843 people + 6 usherettes at the Theatre Royalle,
ordering at El Greco, cash for Lisa, Jamie's molting
jacket and the Burt shirt, being literally spit on,
Paul's schmeckie in the Post ("It's partly mine!"),
day after day of the Buchman crisis, the grout story.
Burt Buchman makes his debut.
- Paul: "He embarrases me..."
Jamie: "Well, you embarrass me sometimes."
Paul: "When? When did I embarrass you?"
Jamie: "Pick a day!"
- Paul: "Why don't we just get an unlisted phone?"
Jamie: "Forget it, I already talked to the phone co."
Paul: "And?"
Jamie: "They agree with Burt."
Supporting Cast: Burt Buchman
Guest Characters:
Mimi, the hummer . . . . . . . . . Maria Pitillo
Marshall, the producer . . . . . . Phil Lamaar
As themselves . . . . . . . . . . Regis and Joy Philbin
Jamie figures that Lisa and her new boyfriend are moving
too fast, considering they've known each other only a week.
And then they decide to move in together.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Reviewing Tax deductions.
Words: Actually, willy-nilly.
Expression: So what?
Keys:
The look: sexy but not slutty, interested but not
desperate ("the Modonna whore thing"), Lisa's new job
("pointing at boats"), Cow and Free Milk expression,
a psychic bond, dish-night at the movies, another
deduction ("Pumping Irene"), the gravedigger and
the former boyfriend, being handcuffed to the radiator,
the key that didn't fit, actuary tables, locusts,
losing patience with the Earth, Delia, Amanda and Fiona.
- Jamie: "Will you tell her what men think when girls give
it on the first date?"
Paul: "Yippee?"
- Jamie: "They're finished."
Paul: "They're finished?"
Jamie: "I just had this tremendous desire to smoke a cigarette."
Paul: "Did you just have an orgasm that I don't know about?"
- Jamie: "You do these things without thinking!"
Lisa: "That's right, that's how I live, I just close
my eyes and I leap!"
Jamie: "And I'm running all over town with a net!"
Lisa: "Who's Annette?"
- Lisa: "Okay, you always say you know what I'm feeling.
What am I feeling now?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I've never thought you feel this before."
Lisa: "Ah, ha, ha ... I'm HAPPY!"
Jamie: "Oh-my-God! You are ... How do you like it?"
Lisa: "I don't!"
Guest Characters:
Michael . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Charles Shaughnessy
Irwin, the ventriloquist . . . . . James W. Sudik
Woman who hates the quiche . . . . Kayla Carr
Jamie's new client is a former TV star idolized by Paul
and Ira in their childhood, and as they revert back to
the old ways and compete for her attention, Ira wins big.
Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Calling up the TV repairman.
Tag: Reviewing TV heroines after Spy Girl.
Keys:
Wearing turtle-necks, Go-go boots and a bazooka,
Adam West and SCRUM, growing tarragon and whining for
crushed ice, Jamie is Karen, Paul is Larry, and Ira
is Irving, Jamie in Viking helmet, Lisa in Go-Go boots,
Mark's adoration, Ira being used ("that is so cool!").
- Ira: "You're having dinner with Spy Girl?"
Paul: "Better, I'm having dinner with her and you're not."
Jamie: "I'm thinking about camp for you this summer."
- Jamie: "Oh, go on Ira! Shock me! She loved it, couldn't
get enough, I had to hold on for dear life!"
- Mark: "You look as beautiful today as you did back then!
You know what you should do, you should do one of
those exercise videos... or Ibsen!"
Guest Character:
Diane Caldwell . . . . . . . . . . Barbara Feldon
Paul has no qualms about leaving Jamie alone with the
ex-boyfriend she's hired to paint the apartment, but
he finds a stunning picture when he returns.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: The painter is coming... Sherwin Williams?
Keys:
Sherman's toolbox, a snack for Sherman, comparing
belly-buttons, Ira's head, busted door, a great save,
the spur of the moment thing, acting on it, a $7 crock
of mustard, the club sandwich, the Alien inside you,
an attempt at reconciliation, on being Fran and Mark.
- Ira: "Your head has good bounce."
- Jamie: "Oh my God, you had a jealous fight and he threw you
through the door! Are you all right?"
Paul: "Now why do you assume he would throw me through
the.. why wouldn't I throw him through the door?"
Jamie: "Physics!"
- Mark: "Hello, Room Service? This is Dr. Devanow from
Room 618. Listen, I've got to tell ya, this is
the best club sandwich I've ever had. [pause]
No, seriously, be..cause, because the bacon was
crisp enough to provide traction so that the tomato
didn't slide... [long pause] Sure, I'll hold!"
- Jamie: "Did you change these sheets?"
Paul: "Believe me!"
Jamie: "A year of marriage and this is what it took
to get you to make the bed?"
Paul: "See, life is full of little surprises."
Jamie: "Hold me..."
Guest Character:
Sherman Williams . . . . . . . . . Rick Rossovich
At the Buchmans' anniversary bash, Paul attempts to turn
back the clock, love blossoms between his cameraman and
assistant, but there's no love lost between the now
separated Fran and Mark.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Recreated wedding pictures of shoving the cake.
Word: Gesture.
Keys:
The album in the fridge, no talk of Mark, holidays,
music, sunshine or sex, on being happy only 30% of the
time, a slick switch at dining table from Fran to Mark,
recreating the wedding cake: rosettes, ecru and tiers,
the beautiful thing (word), the old Tux, the dress that
still fits, the other woman or possibly a man, getting
spackled, being obtuse, no battle over Murray, growing
a garden, the kitchen table (again).
- Mark: "Do you know what I'm going to do first?
I'm going to ride cross-country just like they did
in The Easy Rider!"
Paul: "You bought a motor-cycle?"
Mark: "No, a Range Rover. Can't ride a motor-cycle..
I don't have an ass."
- Warren: "I'm not very good at chit-chat."
Connie: [startled] "Me.. me neither."
Warren: [pause] "So where do you work?"
Jamie: [walking by] "Are you sure I can't get you anything
to drink?"
Warren: "When do you have to know by?"
- Fran: "You're late!" [slams the door, then reopens it]
Mark: "I'm sorry. I had a tough delivery. Triplets! It's
like pulling 3 pot-roasts out of a Pringle's can."
Lisa: "Makes me want to have children!"
Mark: [sizing up Jamie] "Say, you look fan..tastic, just
fantastic! [kisses her]
Jamie: "Thanks, go back to your wife! It's so sweet of
you all to come..."
- Mark: "I'm not running, THIS is a rite of passage!"
Fran: "You're such an idiot!" [noises from the kitchen]
"Oh my God! They're at it again."
Lisa: "What is this? Everytime they've a party, they're..."
Mark: "You see? This is wild, this is spontaneous, this is
what I mean! This is what Peter Fonda would do in
The Easy Rider!"
Fran: "Easy Rider. Not THE Easy Rider! Oh my God, if you
can't get the title right, how are you going to
survive out there?"
- Paul: "I can see staring at this face for another 50 years."
Jamie: "Really?"
Paul: "Oh yah, absolutely!"
Jamie: "Even if I get a double-chin?"
Paul: "I'll love both of 'em."
Jamie: "And grey hair ... and wrinkles."
Paul: "Not a problem!"
Jamie: "Even if I've false teeth, a moustache, and I drool?"
Paul: "Why do you have to push? You've always got to push."
Supporting Cast: Connie and Warren,
a David Lynch version of "When Harry Met Sally..."
Created by: Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
Executive Producers: Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane
Producers: Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
Coordinating Producer: Marjorie Weitzman
Associate Producer: Craig Knizek
Art Direction: Bernard Vyzga
Photography: Richard Hissong
Editing: Sheila Amos
Sound Mixing: Peter Damski
Writers: Lisa DeBenedictis, Pamela Eells, Billy Grundfest,
Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane, Sally Lapiduss,
Steve Paymer, Paul Reiser and Daryl Rowland.
Directors: Linda Day, Dennis Erdman, Barnet Kellman and
Paul Lazarus.
Please send in corrections to: [rama@cac.stratus.com]