FREAKSHOW Issue 7
I should be studying for my final exams and doing my final projects
(hi Anne!) but I just felt the need to put out an issue of FREAKSHOW.
It has some nandos (of which I still have plenty laying around) but
also (gasp) some original discoveries. I hope it distracts you as
much as it distracted me.
[ I guess strick typed this in. Run, don't walk to local bookshop
to get "Et tu, babe" by Mark Leyner. This is a sample. -ian]
From: henry strickland
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: (n@Nd0) utci'waiwa wetco'we! utci'waiwa wetco'we!
Date: Sun, 14 Feb 93 16:14:17 PST
When the men have retired to the "sulk house" to sulk, the youngsters
run exuberantly to the river. In they wade, and with playful boasts,
attempt to snare recyclable refuse -- everything from broken chunks of
polyvinyl chloride buoys to foil packets of ketchup -- from the swift
current. The women, who have been watching from either the menstrual
gazebos or the song stalls where they flatten manioc cakes between
their hands to rhythmic doggerel, shout praise at the boys and heap
derision on the ensconced brooding men, impugning their scavaging
prowess and disparaging their virility. The men sulk for usually an
hour, when a preset timer resounds in the sulk house and, depending on
whether the man have planned a hunting raid or just want to watch
television and drink, prepare themselves accordingly. If TV and
drinking comprise the agenda, the men change from their dark, cowled
sulking robes into gym shorts and flip-flops and undo their topknots,
letting their long orange hair fall casually down their backs. They
then make exaggerated exhibitions of pride about their hair, tossing
their heads and narcissistically flipping their tresses about with the
backs of their hands. Although these displays of extravagant, almost
effeminate vanity usually culminate in gales of laughter, this is a
crucial, highly ritualized transition activity that psychologically
enables the men to shift from sulking to watching television and
drinking -- a transition that is physically accomplished by walking
through an underground passageway from the sulk house to the spirit
house. Once in the spirit house, the remote control for the television
-- a device made out of black beeswax, parana palm thatch, jaguar bone,
and toucan feather tassels and featuring power, mute, volume, and
channel buttons -- can only be operated by the "kakarum" (powerful
one). To be acknowledged as a kakarum, a man must have killed at least
several persons. It is considered a feat of overwhelming courage and
strength to kill a kakarum and wrest from him jurisdiction over the
remote control -- but this rarely happens, and in fact none of the
elder informants can remember a remote control ever being taken from a
kakarum. Kakarums are believed to possess supernatural power derived
from the souls of the men they have killed. The prospect of acquiring
this power by killing a kakarum and usurping his remote control rights
is often too enticing for ambitious young men to resist. But conflicts
over the remote control almost invariably end with the violent death of
the young challenger, whose body is then dumped down a metal chute that
delivers it into a pit located between the menstrual gazebos and the
song stalls where the victim is prepared for burial by his matrilineal
grandmother or mother-in-law. The kakarum then chooses a TV program
and signals the commencement of drinking by announcing, "Let us drink
until we vomit" and "Drink quickly so that you may be drunk soon." The
beverage that's consumed -- and consumed in staggering quantities -- is
a beer made from masticated pupunah mash and sugar cane extract. It's
produced in two versions: regular and lite, which is less filling. The
first man to vomit is known as "wetco'we" (vomiting one) and it is he
who goes outside the spirit house and makes a loud, dramatic display of
vomiting in order to signal to the women to come join the men and
"utci'waiwa" (party). The women, having been signaled by the wetco'we,
change from the drab clothes they'd been wearing in the menstrual
gazebos or the song stalls into short, back-strapped sequined dresses,
and they dance single file toward the spirit house chanting,
"utci'waiwa wetco'we! utci'waiwa wetco'we!"
(C) 1992 Mark Leyner [_Et_Tu_Babe_]
[This was from the FAQ from SURFPUNK which was truly amazing. If I
get enough interest, I may nando the entire FAQ. I had never heard
the verb "to frob" except from a few MIT guys at parc. Now I'm
reading through the SURFPUNK FAQ and saw this:]
-----------------------------=* FREAKSHOW *=---------------------------------
#116 Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from
#116 FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to
#116 frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
#116 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
#116 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
#116 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
#116 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
#116 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
#116 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
#116 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
[Alt.buddha.short.fat.guy has been pretty busy lately. This is yet
another FAQ... Hm. Maybe I should put out an entire FAQ issue?
Anyway... --ian]
-----------------------------=* FREAKSHOW *=---------------------------------
From: Michael_Pizolato@afs.com
Newsgroups: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Summary: Celebrating a prominent religious figure who really is, plus EL DUPREE
Date: 2 Mar 93 20:55:14 GMT
Reply-To: El_Dupree@afs.com
Followup-To: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy
Archive-name: alt-buddha-short-fat-guy
Last-modified: 1993/03/02
This is the Frequently Asked Questions list for alt.buddha.short.fat.guy.
It is posted infrequently enough to be frustrating but often enough to
be annoying. Relax. Have a cigar.
Contents: 1. Getting Started
2. The Buddha
3. Buddha Nature
4. El Dupree
Send questions for inclusion in this list to Michael_Pizolato@afs.com. |
************************
Part 1. Getting Started
************************
1-1. Does this newsgroup have a FAQ list?
Yes.
1-2. How can I get it?
Apparently, you don't.
1-3. Does this newsgroup have a purpose?
Yes.
1-4. Which is?
See question 1-2.
1-5. Is this an actual newsgroup, or is my system being toyed with?
Yes, and yes. |
*******************
Part 2. The Buddha
*******************
2-1. Who was the Buddha?
The Buddha, originally called Gautama, was a young Ksatriya of
comfortable means who became disillusioned with his bourgeois
existence and set out to find himself. He adopted an austere
way of life, even abandoning his Doors tapes--certainly not
standard procedure for those on similar quests. Eventually,
he achieved enlightenment, whereupon he became known as "The
Buddha," "The Enlightened One," or, to his friends, "Budd Light."
2-2. Isn't it silly having so many names for one person?
I'm sorry. I can't argue unless you've paid.
2-3. Wait, what about the "Buddah"?
He spends his time hanging out with Ghandi in New Dheli. Munching
on gerkhins, no doubt.
2-4. Is the purpose of this newsgroup to insult the Buddha?
No. However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was
veneration, perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting
him. You have deeply troubled us.
**********************
Part 3. Buddha Nature
**********************
3-1. What is Buddha nature?
As that prominent Buddhist, Louis Armstrong, said: "If you have
to ask, you'll never know."
3-2. Does "X" have Buddha nature?
"X" does, but you don't. Exception: if "X" is Ronald Reagan,
he doesn't and you do.
3-3. Could you repeat that?
Yes.
******************
Part 4. El Dupree
******************
4-1. Does El Dupree have the Buddha Nature?
Yes.
4-2. Does Buddha have the El Dupree Nature?
Often.
4-3. Who is El Dupree?
He is the Ghost of the Western Plain, an unbathed drifter of
much notoriety, who gave us the game CamChata, "Devil Fingers."
4-4. Huh?
What he said.
4-5. Are there koans in the tradition of El Dupree?
There were several developed in the 50's, but there are only
re-runs now.
4-6. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
Get serious. I've changed a lot since then.
4-7. Tell me a koan.
Read on:
El Dupree came upon an injured cur on the road to Mejave Mai.
"Rise cur," El Dupree said, casually pushing up the brim of his
big spangled sombrero. He sucked air through his teeth and waited.
The cur glanced sidelong at the colorful stranger and hissed,
"Yeah, riiiight. A fucking miracle worker? A talking hat? Funny
man from downtown?"
El Dupree reached for his revolver, hesitated, and instead, took out
a #14 vinyl headsack. Yes, it was going to be a long day, he thought.
And the dog was enlightened.
4-8. Do I have time for another koan?
You have 15 minutes before the last bus leaves. Read on:
Pepito could just see daylight through the seams of the #14 vinyl
headsack. He found that if he cocked his head slightly to one
side, he could glimpse, through the splitting seam of the headsack
(the aging headsack, the headsack that smelled of masa harina and
hair oil, the hated headsack of enforced ignorance), one crusty
corner of El Dupree's mouth. El Dupree licked his lips, his tongue
the color of well-cured meerschaum, and muttered, "Yust you vate."
Pepito was enlightened.
4-9. What's CamChata?
Read on:
The big-hatted lone figure on the horizon went unnoticed by the
sleeping man curled next to the pile of blackened chicken bones.
Faint dust devils rose behind the approaching stranger's horse and
the morning sun let play its light on the little dangling balls on
the brim of El Dupree's impressive sombrero. Yes, men had made fun
of the proud sombrero, but those men were dead, El Dupree thought
to himself as he spurred toward the sleeping man he would soon
awaken and challenge to the deadliest of all games, the game that
had made its way from Tierra del Fuego, across Chile, and into the
heart of Mexico: CamChata! Devil Fingers!!
4-10. Does CamChata hurt?
Oh, baby, does it ever. Read on:
I rebel.
Grandfather.
Embrace me.
I rebel.
Yarn on the left, stones in groups of three and one, the
lizard bleeding from my fingernails.
I rebel.
4-11. Is there more poetry inspired by El Dupree?
Yes.
[Alt.culture.electric-midget has vast potential to be funny, if just
based on its name alone! Generally its pretty weak, but this was one
of the better ones...--ian]
-----------------------------=* FREAKSHOW *=---------------------------------
From: dave@rtfm.mlb.fl.us (David D. Clark)
Newsgroups: alt.culture.electric-midget
Subject: Help! Midget malfunction!
Keywords: Wombats, lentils, coin-counting accessory
Date: 4 Mar 93 14:10:44 GMT
Organization: The Bleeding Edge of Conformity
HELP! Last week, while I was having my Midget count my spare change with the
new Ultra-Counter attachment that came in the mail last week (it was labeled
revision 4.8b5 if that helps) was sitting there quietly counting out the
nickels, having already separated out the dimes and quarters and rolled them
nicely and put my account number on the rolls, (I really think there's promise
for that thing if it starts working correctly), when it leapt up, shouted
something about Ted Koppel, CNN, New Waco, Texas, and something about
artichoke mutilation which I didn't catch. Next thing I knew, it had grabbed
my four pet wombats, and, whipping out its food processor attachment, cut
itself a midget-sized hole in my linen closet's back, and escaped off into my
backyard. Now, I know the Mark II Chest Bomb that came as part of accessory
package "C" on my midget (along with the glow in the dark rubber squid and
a small microwave oven, which I added on later) is supposed to be used to
disable my midget if he escapes; however, I know he's still in the area as
one of my wombats has been returned (I found it in the drier) and my supply
of lentils has been slowly shrinking. Do any of you other Midget owners have
any tips on what I can do to get my beloved Misty back? She's a Model 24,
revision N, if that helps, but I'd guess that general tips would work too.
Also, can someone post the FAQ? I remember seeing it awhile back, and it
seemed like it would come in handy when I *did* buy my electric midget,
but at the time, I hadn't bought one yet. Thanks.
-Dave
--
dave@rtfm.mlb.fl.us
------------------------=* BONUS FREAKSHOW QUOTE *=----------------------------
ALL IZE NOE IZ THATT E SUPPORTT THEE MIJITS...
E ALSOH NOE THATT E INNJOY THEE EETING OF CHEEZWIZ...