FREAKSHOW Intro
Welcome to my new mailing list, FREAKSHOW. That's right, no longer
will there be huge header lines with everyone's name... those days are
long gone! Now when I send out the weird stuff that I collect from the
internet, it'll go out on our own mail alias! If you have questions
about the mailing list ("I want on", "I want off", "What's it for",
"Am I a freak?", etc) send mail to freakshow-request@haring.cc.gatech.
*Note the "-request" in the above alias.*
If you want to submit stuff for nandoing (that's a strickism for
retransmission) to the mailing list, send it to the above address
as well.
I needed an introductory message for the mailing list, and I dug into
my archives and found this one. Most of you have seen this one
before, but its a gem. I laughed when I read it this time. I am
forever in georgian's debt for sending it to me.
--ian
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>Path: prism!gatech!paladin.american.edu!europa.asd.contel.com!uunet!morrow.stanford.edu!daver!mips!zholar.mips.com!bk
>From: bk@mips.com (Bob Knobwhittle)
>Newsgroups: soc.singles,soc.men,soc.women
>Subject: Time to clean up the masturbation issue
>Message-ID:
>Date: 18 May 92 12:51:42 GMT
>Organization: MIPS Computer Systems, Sunnyvale, California, USA
>Lines: 94
>Xref: prism soc.singles:16430 soc.men:50311 soc.women:60040
Time to Clean Up the Masturbation Issue
Many people in our society are guilty of a form of bigotry that
consistently goes unchecked. Ironically, the prejudice I'm addressing
is as common among oppressed victims of our society as it is among the
customary oppressors (white males). Women in particular are often known
to harass and abuse this group of societal victims. The victims of whom
I'm speaking are masturbators.
Most masturbators can't help that they're the way they are. In fact,
there is growing evidence that some people are born masturbators (Rod
Gherkin, 1990). Russian scientists suspect that a special enzyme is
secreted from the hands of masturbators (Serge Jerkov, 1984).
Biologists have concluded that there is no evidence to support the
belief that the palms of masturbating males grow hairy (Jack Meoph,
1981) German researchers have proven the rate of blindness among
masturbators is not significantly greater than the non-masturbating
population (Otto Wankler, 1987). A UC Berkeley study has conclusively
proven that feminists, engineers, and educators have more masturbators
among their ranks than the population at large. This has caused some
analysts to espouse controversial theories that masturbators have
higher intelligence than average (Lance Stroker, 1988). It has also
been shown that males masturbate more than females, unless females are
deprived of food or lucrative job opportunities (Shirley Salt-Licher,
1992).
Biologists have shown that certain species of animals masturbate (Dick
Handler, 1985). Personally, I've witnessed my own dog wagging-off when
he can't find a horny bitch or a friendly leg to hump. (The rear leg
of a masturbating dog resembles a man repeatedly trying to kick-start a
motorcycle.)
Masturbators are productive members of society. Some well-known
masturbators include Andy Warhol, Pee Wee Herman, Michael Jackson,
Madonna, Jim Morrison, Malcom Forbes, Magic Johnson. There are rumors
that Jerry Brown masturbates. (Jerry Brown was a Jesuit priest; such
priests allegedly have perfected the art of masturbation as an act of
and self-discipline.)
The overwhelming evidence shows that masturbators are normal people --
people like you and me who go to school, work hard, fall in love, and
care about the future of our planet.
What should we do in light of this evidence?
1. I propose that we change our vocabulary to reflect the acceptance of
masturbators as normal societal members. The term "masturbator" has
acquired a derogatory meaning over the years, much as the words nigger,
Negro, Colored, Black, girl, lady, Indian, queer and so on. I propose
that we change the formal word for masturbators to "monosexuals" to
reflect their sexual preference.
2. As an alternative, less formal term, I suggest we refer to
monosexuals as being "cool". This is analogous to the way homosexuals
annexed the term "gay" and forever altered its usage in common speech.
3. When in the presence of someone who makes a bigoted anti-cool
comment, I suggest we politely criticize his or her comment and educate
him or her on the issue of monosexuality.
Example:
Suppose you're with a group of friends and an outspoken feminist calls
one of your friends a "jerk-off" while he's not present to defend
himself. Scold the feminist as follows:
Please refrain from shooting off bigoted, derogatory remarks about
monosexuals. It's his right to be "cool." He was born that way.
I realize that my suggestions might cause some discomfort in certain
social circles. Please remember, though, that equality is a paramount
issue in our crumbling, degenerating republic. Treating others as
equals is more important than your so-called "right" to have opinions.
If you disagree with my ideas, remember that your opinions are based on
your peculiar unsubstantiated life observations, NOT on the scientific
evidence provided by the progressive educators and administrators who
dictate the curriculum and societal agenda of our higher-learning
institutions. So be cool, uhh, I mean calm. It won't be hard to
re-orient your behavior to support our cool brothers and sisters.
Isn't it worth the effort to create a safe, just, and supportive
world?
Bob Knobwhittle
"He's got the whooooole world
in his hands.
He's got the whooooole world
in his hands.
He's got the whooooole world
in his hands.
He's got the whole world in his hands."
- American folk song, 1920s, origin unknown
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